Ladies, do you ever feel that your love life is bogged down by the entrapments of reality? Do you suspect your man-Gosling is just one office day away from stepping out on you for a long distance relationship with an anime character? If so, don’t fret, we’ve composed a handy list of sex tips that will make your boyfriend think he’s Samuel L. Jackson surfing in an ocean of human skulls— every time you smang it! Get reading, and get ready!

1. Create a forest in the bedroom

Men love the outdoors. When a man is reunited with the outdoors he is able to reunite with his core spirituality, and thus his core sexuality. Nothing says you’re ready for an out of this world sexual adventure quite like a room simulating the outdoors. So get on that papier-mache’ forest girlfriend!

2. Crack his spine

He loves the feeling of your body on his body. Use that. Use your body (preferably your lady lumps if possible) to crack his spine. Any stored acid will be released and before you know it he’ll be kissing you with the urgency of a drowning whale.

3. Lava lamps

We all know what that means.

4. Vajazzle Jerry Garcia’s face on your lady-cave

Men love music, especially classic rock music like The Grateful Dead. The Grateful Dead knew about having brains departed from reality. When your man sees your sparkling ode to psychedelic-jams, he’ll likely feel highs previously unknown to him.

5. Dirty talk in Pig-Latin

It will be confusing and disorienting, which is also totally sexy. Your man may even begin to wonder who you’ve really been all this time, why he started dating you, and if you also did this in Jr. High. This will amp up the heat and the memories.

6. Ask him if he wants to French braid your hair

If he’s unsure how to French braid, it can be a uniquely sensual bonding moment for the two of you. While he’s French braiding make sure to talk about how wonderful it is that you have millions of hairs, how each hair is just an accumulation of atoms, men like women who know about atoms.

7. Dip his hands in hot wax

There are few things that attract men to women more than our soft skin. Let him in on your secrets! While you’re doing the deed, make sure to have a hot bowl of paraffin treatment under the bed. When he’s least expecting it pull it out and encourage him to take good care of his hand skin. Spontaneous!

8. Store snacks in your bra

Chips, salsa, taco makings, but most importantly – pizza! Remember, you and your man are having sex picnic in the forest of imagination and spiritual awakening, as holistic beings you need to ensure his body is being fed physically as well as sexually and mentally.

9. Watch Fantasia on mute while listening to Metallica

What a trip! What a gal! Those are undoubtedly words that will come out of his mouth (when he’s not dousing you in kisses).

10. Tell him he’s the sexiest hologram of all

It’s a scientific fact. Compliments combined with science pave an unbeatable road to trippin’ on each other’s bodies.”

http://www.thewhiskeyjournal.com